St. Bartholomew's Episcopal Church


St. Bart's Blog

Fully Alive

Posted by Cathie Roy on

John :1:38: When Jesus turned and saw them following, he said to them, "What are you looking for?

When I was 16, and my mother was in a coma at the hospital, I prayed all night on my knees by the bed at a neighbor's house, saying the Rosary and begging God to save her. As a "good Catholic girl," I had absolute faith in the words, "Ask and ye shall receive.'' I was looking for one of His patented miracles. when mom died 3 days later, I was shocked, and felt bottomless pits of betrayal and anger. I learned not to ask. Or to trust this God who went back on His word.

For years I wandered on many spiritual paths. Belief in a Presence? Yes. Belief in a God I could talk to? No.

When I reluctantly followed Spirit's tug on my collar several years ago, I didn't know what I was looking for: perhaps a place to hear good music on a Sunday morning.

But then a miracle did occur. I fell madly in love.....with a God who reached out His arms from the cross to hug me. And I came home.

Now we talk all the time, and our intimacy grows deeper and deeper.

When He asks me, "What are you looking for?" sometimes the answer is easy: comfort....mercy.....grace.....blessings for myself or others.

And then there are those other-times. Like when I answer, "To be dose to You" -  yet inwardly refuse to surrender some carefully hoarded  piece of myself.   Or when I answer, 'Tm looking for ways to do Your will better" -while willfully doing what "Empress Cathie" wants. Or  when I answer,  'Tm  looking for you  to  mold me. Here I am" - yet keep some dark areas hidden behind  my back,  in shame or fear.

What am I looking for? Union with my Beloved. And on the path, becoming the child of God that He intended me to he.

"The glory of God is the human person fully alive."  (Irenaeus of Lyons)


Cathie Roy is an incredibly blessed, and sometimes recalcitrant, child of God (who is also a mother, grandmother, physical therapist, lay hospice  chaplain, singer in choirs, and lover of animals - especially her 2 dogs!)